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I remember barely fitting into this dress, but not realizing why. I could barely make it through a mile. Was instantly hot. Always. And my hair turned into this weird frizzy disaster. It was August 2009 and honestly, I was happy. At least until I saw this picture.
I was in a weird place in my life. I had just graduated from college and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship - not that I knew it at the time - and I had a very strong dependency on alcohol to hide my emotions, a dependency which I hid from everyone, sometimes even me.
But then the guy I was secretly seeing broke up with me and I was heartbroken. I remember feeling like nothing was ever going to be good again. A pain made worse each time I saw myself in the mirror. But I was still in denial. I didn't want to admit I was grossly overweight. I didn't want to admit I had a poor relationship with food and that I justified eating whatever I wanted because I was heartbroken. I made continuous excuses.
Then one fateful day in February 2010, I was sitting in my doctor's office when he told me that I weighed 207 lbs and I needed to lose weight or put myself in even more serious risk. I was 22 years old.
No one in my entire life had ever been blunt with me about my weight. Or if they were I took it as a personal attack against me. But my doctor, a man I had known for only a few minutes (it was our first appointment together), told me how it was. I needed to lose weight. Now.
Something changed within me that day. Maybe it was his strict words, but kind direction in helping me make choose small things to change in my life. To be honest, I am not sure what it was, but that day, I left knowing I had to change and that I was never going to get better if I didn't take actions into my own hands.
At the time, I was working at a The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf where I would open at 5:45am every single day. Whereas before I would eat something out of the pastry case for breakfast or walk down to Panera for a "you pick 2" lunch, I started bringing my own foods. Leftover dinner, salads, yogurts. I remember my co-workers completely supporting me, my customers too. My food choices may not have been the best, but they were better than anything I had been doing before.
And I gave up alcohol. And caffeine. It was a huge thing for me to give up. My original goal was only to give them up for a few months, until I had my sugar intake under control. I ended up only allowing myself to drink on the weekends and actually gave up caffeine for 2 years (but that is another story).
I vaguely remember weighing myself, but to be honest, I didn't need to. I could see the changes in my body. By September 2010, 7 months later, I had lost 30 lbs. It was then that I became serious about my portions and making the best decisions that I could.
I started working out every single day. Even if it was just walking my dogs for 20-30 minute tonight. Activity was what I was going for. I started really limiting my carbohydrate intake. Switched from beer to wine. No hard liquor. Fresh fruits were switched in from my go-to trail mix. I learned to savor meals I ate out. Within the next 12 months I lost another 35 lbs. I was the smallest that I could ever remember: 135 lbs.
But I wasn't happy.
I was never small enough. Never fit enough. I still had a stomach. I remember my boyfriend in 2012 telling me that while I had the sexiest eyes he had ever seen, I did not have a perfect body. I should probably workout more and tighten things up. I can make up excuses for his comments all day and night, but truth was, that hurt. For two years I was timid about my appearance. While I looked confident on the outside, I was critical of myself on the inside. But I maintained that 130-135 range. Until it became impossible to maintain. I was working out 7 days a week, but I gave up eating well. I just couldn't maintain my small portions.
When I moved out of my parents’ house and into my own apartment in July 2014, when I only had myself to cook for, I lost all motivation. I still kept my small waistline, worked out constantly, but I wasn't happy. My youngest sister moved to Montana. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer. I had my heart broken again. It was all too much to bear and I lost myself (a story to be told another day).
In January 2015, I went to Portland, Oregon for my birthday. I used it as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted (I was probably never going to have the chance to eat it again) and drank every single day. It was a gluttonous 6-day vacation. But I brought that vacation home with me. I nursed my unhappiness with food and ignored the fact that my clothes stopped fitting.
I ignored everything until Sunday, May 26, 2015. 6 days before my best friends wedding and I could not zip up my bridesmaid dress. I fell apart. I was disgusted with myself. I remember sitting on my bed crying while my best friend tried to console me. I will never forget that heartbreak. I never want to feel that way again. It was like I suddenly didn't recognize the person in the mirror and I was so ashamed of myself. I felt like I had not only let myself down, but everyone else.
That day, I gave up drinking alone. Completely. I gave up eating anything through a drive thru unless I had no other choice. I have up creamer in my coffee. And I stopped buying processed foods.
I remember sitting for hours in front of my computer, reading about the differences in the types of clean eating diets. I got my grocery shopping back under control and started to only buy things off of my list. I got a bin from Target and put all of my "cheat" foods in there and it is now on the top shelf of my pantry. Because I know, once in a blue moon I am going to want that blue box of mac and cheese and nothing else will satisfy. But that was part of the 80/20 lifestyle I decided to live.
At the end of June 2015, I bought the 21 Day Fix and restarted my Shakeology order. I knew I needed to continue my clean eating, but I needed simple portion control as well. And I needed a support group from women my own age who knew what I was going through. I found that through my own Beachbody coach. In those first 21 days, my life changed.
It wasn't like I was doing anything I wasn't familiar with, but it the Fix clicked. It was a maintainable lifestyle. I ate out that first week and didn't panic when I looked at the menu. That has never happened to be before. At the end of my first round of the 21 Day Fix, I lost almost 5 lbs, but more than that I lost 15 inches off of my body. I cried when I saw my measurements.
It is because of the 21 Day Fix, how I saw it transform my relationship with food and exercise, in a way I have never been touched before, that I decided to become a coach. I want to help women (and men) who like me are surrounded by media who tell them that the skinnier you are the more attractive you are, the better you are, the more everything you will be.
I want my clients to have the passion and confidence in themselves that I have found. For the first time ever in my entire life I am comfortable in my own skin. My thighs giggle. I have a flabby stomach and stretch marks. But I can stand naked in front of the mirror now and not hate myself. I am 158 lbs, the most I have weighed in years, and yet I am happy. I know where I am, I know where I am going and I know what I have to do to get there.
Yes...that is a snapchat photo